i think i’m finally entering that phase of life where everything starts feeling a little too real. after applying to around 45 jobs and only getting two offers back, i finally decided to accept one.
mostly because it’s closer to home, which honestly makes things easier and more convenient for me. at least i don’t have to think too much about extra expenses like transportation, accommodation, and all the other things that quietly drain your money once you start working.
and just like that, i’m about to start my first real job after internship. which sounds exciting when i type it out like that.
but honestly? i’m scared.
excited, yes, but mostly nervous.
i keep overthinking whether i’ll be able to meet my boss’s expectations or not. she actually seems friendly and chill, but at the same time, i can tell she’s the type of person who has very high expectations for the people around her. during the interview itself, i could already sense how ambitious she is. she even admitted herself that she’s “delulu” because she dreams big for her business hahaha.
she told me that before this, they never really had a marketing position. she said none of the staff around her could fully see or execute the vision she had for the brand, so her ideas and plans never really reached the level she wanted. and then she told me that if i joined, i would work directly under her and spend a lot of time with her. she even mentioned wanting to provide me with a new ipad and iphone specifically for work because she’s genuinely serious and dedicated about growing the brand.
and honestly, hearing that should make me feel confident, right?
because if she didn’t see potential in me, she probably wouldn’t immediately offer me the position and invest in equipment for me too.
but instead, my brain keeps thinking, what if i disappoint her? what if she expects too much from me and i can’t deliver? what if i’m not as good as she thinks i am?
i think a huge part of this fear comes from my internship experience before this. my previous boss also had very high expectations, and i ended up feeling constantly stressed. we worked until saturday, though at least public holidays were off. but what made it harder wasn’t even just the workload. it was the environment, the people, the small inconveniences piling up every day until it became emotionally exhausting for me.
and because of that experience, i think i automatically assume the same thing will happen again. when in reality... this situation isn’t the same at all.
i know i shouldn’t worry this much. and honestly, i can admit now that i focus too much on fear and “what ifs” until everything starts looking terrifying in my head. i overfeed those thoughts until they become bigger than reality itself.
but when i really reflect on it, it actually makes sense. this is literally just the beginning. of course i’m not going to know everything immediately. it’s normal to become a slow learner at first. it’s normal to make mistakes. everyone starts somewhere.
but i think because i’m a perfectionist, sometimes i pressure myself too much to become good immediately. i expect myself to already know what i’m doing before i even begin, and when i can’t reach those expectations instantly, i start doubting myself.
which is unfair, honestly. because nobody becomes amazing overnight. everyone learns step by step.
and yeah, maybe i really do need to shift my mindset a little about working in retail and service too. if i think about it properly, working weekends and public holidays is completely normal in this industry. i think it only feels heavy right now because i’m not used to it yet.
i’m also the type of person who doubts herself before even trying anything. i panic before things even happen. i create imaginary scenarios in my head and stress myself out over things that don’t even exist yet.
but then again... if my boss truly didn’t see potential in me, maybe she wouldn’t have offered me the job so quickly in the first place.
and maybe this probation period isn’t just about them evaluating me, maybe i’m allowed to evaluate them too. maybe i’m also allowed to decide whether the environment suits me or not.
i think i forget that sometimes.
for now, i’m just trying to calm myself down and take things one step at a time. i don’t want fear to stop me before i even begin. because deep down, i know this could actually become something really good for me.
and maybe this is just another phase of growing up. being scared, but doing it anyway.
so since i’ll be starting work soon and basically working retail and service from 9am to 6pm almost everyday, do expect less blog entries from me after this. i’ll probably be more tired, more occupied, and trying to adjust to this new phase of life. but i’ll still do my best to update from time to time whenever i can. i don’t think i could ever fully abandon this little corner of mine anyway.
xoxo, a.