i came back to the same place, but i am not the same person. everything looks familiar, yet it feels slightly foreign, like i’m seeing my own life from a different angle.
i finished my internship two weeks ago and submitted my 3000-word final report. after weeks of anxiety and procrastination and convincing myself i wasn’t ready, i did it. that chapter is officially closed. it feels strange. for months my life revolved around deadlines, studio days, recordings, editing, rushing. and now... quiet.
right before i left, my main bank account got locked. just like that. i went to the police station for the first time in my life to file a report. i was so nervous, which is funny because i didn’t even do anything wrong. after that, the bank told me it might take a long process to reactivate the account. i was devastated, but life goes on. so now i’m treating it like a savings account i can’t access. forced discipline, i guess.
i packed up three years of my life in peninsular malaysia into boxes, sealed them with tape, shipped them home by sea. i sold and donated clothes i rarely wore, kept the ones that still felt like me. my beloved teddy bear came home with me, of course. some things are non-negotiable. my vapes came too, which means sneaking a puff now feels like i’m back in high school hiding from my parents.
before leaving, i went on so many dates, staycations, and sleepovers with my boyfriend. we tried to stretch time and tried to make memories big enough to hold us over. saying goodbye at the airport was harder than i imagined. i was crying and fighting my tears from the tsa screening all the way to my gate, boarding, take off and landing at tawau airport. i cried silently in the car on the way home too. i miss him terribly. we’re long distance againnnnn. but like i keep telling myself, life must go on.
the next day, i took a good look of my side of the room. nothing here moved while i was gone, yet somehow everything feels rearranged. maybe it’s not the place that’s different, maybe it’s me. i rearranged my desk, sorted childhood things with new things i bought recently, old diaries beside new stationery. memories blending together. i can’t fully organize everything yet because two more boxes of my stuff haven’t arrived. so everything feels slightly paused and unfinished.
i downloaded minecraft and played with my boyfriend last night. we tried building a house but we’re both noobs with zero minecraft architectural talent, though he is an architect student. so i asked my brother, who is extremely experienced, to build it for us instead. delegation at its finest. i haven’t opened the sims 4 yet because i couldn’t update it to get the newest game packs. the method i used before doesn’t work anymore, so i’m still figuring that out.
i’m currently in the mood to rewatch run bts and pretty little liars. i don’t know what to watch anymore because i’ve already rewatched all my comfort series. maybe i just want familiarity, something predictable.
i bought a locked diary, but i’ve only written a few pages. i love writing, i always have. but lately life feels busy in a different way, even when i’m technically free. i’ll slowly get back into it. here and there.
i told a few people i’d share the link to this blog, but i’m still contemplating. this space feels sacred like a locked drawer. right now, the only person who reads this is my boyfriend. maybe one day i’ll make it public. maybe i won’t. i don’t even know. i’m indecisive like that.
i also deactivated my instagram. my life here at home doesn’t feel as “interesting, social and fun” as it did when i was in kl. i don’t go out much. even when i do, it’s groceries, meals with my family, occasional thrifting, hanging out with friends. simple things. i didn’t want to advertise a life that feels quiet and i didn’t want to compare mine with everyone else’s city living. it’s not jealousy, not envy, just exhaustion. i feel like i wasted so many of my younger years comparing myself to people on social media. so i chose to step away, to consume less and to focus on self care instead of materialism.
i loved my time in the city. kl felt big, alive, anonymous. here in my hometown, everyone knows each other. every time i go out, i can’t shake off the fear that i might bump into someone i know. sometimes that feels comforting. most of the time, it feels suffocating. my degree was the perfect excuse to leave, to escape quietly without making it dramatic. but now that i’m graduating soon, i feel like i need to find a new excuse. though my mom might think otherwise. i don’t know, i just know that i don’t really like the life here. and admitting that makes me feel guilty.
that’s why i feel sad sometimes. i don’t know when the next time will be that i get to leave again. but i hope one day, i will.
anyways, i said i ran out of things to say but i’m still writing. this entry became longer than i expected. typical me.
i think i’ll stop here, i’ll write again soon.
xoxo, A.