day 7 — i finally have the strength to write about this heartbreak here. i keep avoiding it because i don’t want this pain to be written in the pages of my diary, but my heart feels heavy without saying it out loud.
i lost the only man i’ve ever loved. 4 years and 7 months, gone. i feel like i took my last breath.
i don’t cry over you anymore... at least not where anyone can see. but some nights, when everything goes quiet, your name slips into my thoughts like it still belongs there, and i find myself crying again. i miss you in the most painful way, not loudly, not dramatically. just softly, constantly, like a wound that never really heals.
i miss you in ways i try not to show, and sometimes i wonder if a part of you still feels the same.
not seeing you everyday is hard, and some days it hurts more than i admit. i can live with missing you. but not having you in my life is far worse than any distance.
i never understood how long distance could end something real. i used to think if the love was strong enough, nothing could break it. i even found it ridiculous. but now that i’m going through it myself, i finally understand. sometimes love exists, but it still isn’t enough to make them stay.
the timing is not right for us, the distance is too much. and i’m holding on to uncertainty. but i can live with that, as long as i know you’ll come back eventually.
i’m not moving on. but i’ll leave you alone and keep my distance, patiently waiting for you to come back. i made you a promise to love you always and forever, to never leave you, and that’s a promise i intend to keep. moving on but yearning at the same time.
i’ll let you go but my heart is still for you. i’ll wait for you to come back.
i just hope you will work on yourself, learn that you can be loved, and see that you are truly an amazing person, just like i always saw you. maybe then, just maybe, one day we will find our way back to each other. because you are the only person i truly loved. i don’t think i can live without you at this point, but the thought of you being better matters more to me, even if it means we can’t be together right now.
i hope this isn’t goodbye for us. this can’t be the end.
i had hope we would be friends, get to know each other deeper, grow together. a part of me believed we would end up together someday. i still do, maybe it’s just not the right time. i can get through this temporary goodbye knowing that someday we’ll be together again. that’s all i ask for.
will you promise me that you’ll come back?
but the scariest part for me is thinking, what if we never cross paths again? what if that was the last time we saw each other?
my heart dropped when i realized there’s actually no guarantee that you will come back like you promised. we either meet again... or we never do.
i wish i held you just a little tighter that day. i didn’t know it was going to be our last.
sometimes i close my eyes and imagine you near me. sitting beside me, holding me, telling me everything will be okay. i hold on to that feeling because it makes me feel a little less alone.
i’ll just admire you from a distance now. i still need you, and i’m holding on to the hope that some new reason will bring us back together.
if you ever decide to cross the distance back to me, if you ever confess that the absence of me felt as heavy as the absence i feel for you... you wouldn’t have to ask twice. i would untether myself from every shore i’ve reached, letting go of the progress and the peace i’ve found, just to answer a call that i never truly stopped listening for.
i replay our memories like a fool, holding onto moments that don’t exist anymore. it hurts knowing i meant everything to you once. and maybe i still do, just not in the way i used to.
and maybe i’m still in denial, trying to understand everything even when it hurts this much. holding onto meanings that don’t fully make sense yet, just so i don’t have to accept that this might really be the end.
how do i heal if every part, every line, every phase of my life was filled with you?
i’m learning to trust god’s timing, even when the waiting feels heavy. and if he ever leads us back to each other, i hope it’s when we’ve both grown. when pride no longer builds walls, and the past has turned into wisdom instead of pain. if that moment comes, i hope we meet again with steady hearts, ready to choose each other, not out of habit, but out of certainty.
this is not our goodbye. and i know you know it too.
i hope you can feel my love from wherever you are. i hope you know that a part of me still belongs to you.
always, and forever.
xoxo, a.