i don’t think i’ve fully found myself again yet. but i think i’m trying. and maybe that’s enough for now. lately, i’ve been slowly picking up pieces of myself that i didn’t even realize i lost along the way. not in a dramatic, life-changing way. just... quietly, gently, in my own time.
i got back into reading. right now i’m reading perfect by sara shepard (book 3 of the pretty little liars series). there’s something comforting about getting lost in a story that isn’t mine. it helps me escape my own thoughts for a while, even if just for a few hours.
i’ve also been writing more. not here, not always. but in small, private places. on my threads account with zero followers, where i just post messy quotes and thoughts without thinking too much. in my notes app, filled with unsent letters and messages that will probably never reach anyone. and in my locked journal, the one only i can read. maybe one day i’ll look back at those pages and smile, knowing i survived whatever i was feeling.
i finally started listening to my sad spotify playlist too. i made it a while ago but never really listened to it because it didn’t resonate back then. now it does and it hits differently. some songs feel like they were written exactly for me. some lyrics hurt more than i expected. some songs remind me of us, and yes, some of them made me cry again. but it’s okay.
i’ve also been rewatching everything. i rewatched season 4 of bridgerton. i’ve been thinking about rewatching queen charlotte too, but i don’t think i’m ready for that kind of pain yet. same with the movie someone great. i want to watch it again because it feels so relevant to my life right now, but the last time i watched it, it was with him. and i don’t think i’m ready to cry over it again. maybe not now.
i also want to rewatch pretty little liars and the twilight saga. i think i just want to go back to something familiar. something that feels safe. but right now, i’ve been rewatching run bts. the new season is here and i’m actually so excited about it. it gives me something to look forward to. i’ve also been watching a lot of youtube. my favorite youtubers somehow keep me company. they fill my time, distract my thoughts, and make things feel a little less heavy.
and honestly, that’s all i’ve really been doing.
life here in tawau is quiet. sometimes too quiet. i don’t go out as often as i used to when i was in kl. and even when i do, it’s usually just with my family. i can’t really hang out with my friends because most of them aren’t here. so yeah, i don’t really have anyone around.
i know it sounds sad. and maybe it is, a little.
but i think being the eldest daughter shaped me in a way where i learned how to be alone. how to be emotionally independent. how to rely on myself.
so if anyone is reading this, don’t feel bad for me, okay? i’m fine! i will be.
i know i’ll get through this phase. i know i’ll come out of this alive, maybe even stronger, maybe even softer in a different way.
but for now, i’m not rushing it. for now, i’ll let myself cry. i’ll let myself break. i’ll let myself feel everything i need to feel. i’ll let myself grieve.
xoxo, a.